I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
