I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
