Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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