Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
