walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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