I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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