This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
