A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
