Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is Oprah even human
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
