I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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