I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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