last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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