She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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