It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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