I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
