were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
