Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
