Cold hands, warm shart.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
