"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
