Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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