HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
