so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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