drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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