Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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