i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize