i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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