You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
