got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
