When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
