I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
