I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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