It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
