i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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