he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
