he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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