if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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