My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
