there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
