hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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