I think I won the penis lottery.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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