I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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