why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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