My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
