I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
