Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
