He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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