just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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