Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
