The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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