At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
