i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
