Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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