I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
