the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
