Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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