omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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