the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize