piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
