Having a random hookup so left but love u
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
