6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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